Thursday, July 26, 2012

Loss Milestone

Today I am 8 weeks 1 day pregnant. Tomorrow is the day in my last pregnancy that my miscarriage was confirmed. This Saturday I will officially be more pregnant than I have ever been. It is a very bittersweet feeling.

I've been enjoying this pregnancy (as much as you can enjoy nausea and breakouts) but I've found myself thinking about the baby that I lost a lot more. I think it has to do with my estimated due date approaching. Even though I am pregnant now, I feel a twinge of pain whenever I see a woman with a huge 9 month belly, because that's what my belly is supposed to look like right now. I'm supposed to be getting a nursery ready, washing baby clothes in Dreft, dealing with the summer heat.

I don't suppose I'll ever "get over" the pregnancy that I lost. As early as two days after my miscarriage was confirmed I had people telling me to "cheer up" and "move on." At that point I was still in PHYSICAL pain. Contraction like cramps, blood, blood and more blood, back pain; it was all extremely painful. I had barely begun to deal with the emotional side of losing my baby and I was being told to "cheer up." Needless to say that spun me into a lonely, silent depression where I felt like I couldn't turn to anyone about my pain. Over time I have learned how to manage it, accept it, and even amazingly, be somewhat thankful for it. But no, I will never forget, get over, or move on from the baby that I lost.

My first pregnancy was a surprise and I was overwhelmed in the beginning. I felt unprepared and apprehensive. But even though it was unplanned, it was very much wanted. I formed a connection with this tiny baby I had never met and treated my body very well to nourish the tiny soul I was growing. When I saw the flicker of the heartbeat on the ultrasound screen I fell in love. The pain following my miscarriage was real and raw. I lost a child. Not an embryo, a fetus, or an idea... but a child.

Seven months out from my miscarriage I can look back and see the silver lining. Most importantly, if not for the baby I lost, I would not be carrying the child I have now. I have developed an understanding for the hurt of other people going through similar situations. I can sympathize with other mothers that have experienced the same thing. Also, as trite as this sounds, this baby will arrive at a better "time" than my first would have. We will hopefully be homeowners before this baby arrives. I have a better job with better (part-time) hours. I will be closer to finishing school.

Those are all positive things, and I am so thankful for them. However, I don't think I will ever be able to forget that I was going to share a birthday month, week or even day with my child. I was going to have a summer baby. Rudy and my first biological baby were going to be just barely 3 years apart instead of almost 4. I was going to have a newborn in August instead of rounding out the first trimester.

I will always remember the first baby we lost, and I believe my first baby gave me the greatest gift--their brother or sister that will be arriving this March. For that, I will always, always be thankful.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Quick Pregnancy Update

Things are still going pretty great! I'm taking each day as it comes and trying hard not to worry or stress. So far I feel like I've been pretty successful.

The nausea has still been pretty persistent over the past several days, but I've gotten a pretty good handle on not actually throwing up. I've learned that if I stay in bed for a little while, don't eat until I've been up for a few hours, and eat small portions I usually do okay. I feel queasy everyday and while it's bad in the morning it seems like it always hits in the late afternoon as well.

My eating habits have totally changed. I've always loved summer for the fresh sweet corn, tomatoes, watermelon and other yummy vegetables. This summer I want absolutely no part of them. I used to love salads and now they taste like I'm eating grass. It is just so strange to me! Also I've always been a huge water drinker. I used to drink nothing but water, day and night. Now it seems like plain water makes me sick. Heavily laced lemon water is delicious though as well as lemonade. I'm trying to stay hydrated because I know how important that is, but I have to admit I'm not doing a very good job.

I feel like my emotions have remained pretty constant but there have been a few moments when I knew my hormones were too blame. The perfect example was earlier tonight. I had washed Josh's work clothes the day before and left them in the dryer. I pulled them tonight to hang them up and he made a comment about the clothes being wrinkled. I promptly burst into tears. He was joking the whole time and even though I knew that I just couldn't shake the feeling of being a bad wife because of wrinkly clothes! I cried and he was hugging me but laughing at the same time over the ridiculousness of it. It was pretty hilarious...especially when I offered to iron them! His work clothes are worn, torn in places and covered in hydraulic oil, grease and who knows what else and I was seriously about to get out the iron to get the wrinkles out. It was so silly to cry over but I know it'll be something funny that we will look back on some day. Lovely pregnancy hormones! :)

Thursday, July 19, 2012

First Appointment

I had my first prenatal appointment yesterday at exactly 7 weeks. It went wonderfully!

Let me just begin by saying that I can't praise my midwife enough. I love, love, love going there and it is absolutely worth the 45 minute drive. The midwife I saw today was the one that confirmed my miscarriage and I really like her. She was so comforting and compassionate during one of the saddest moments of my life and is just all around a great person.

The first thing she said to me was "I'm so thrilled to see you here!" She asked how I was feeling and if I was nervous. When I told her I felt better about this pregnancy, but still nervous and apprehensive she was very understanding. She offered to bring in the portable ultrasound and "take a peak" as long as I promised not to get upset if we didn't see anything. Since I had been charting I knew I was exactly 7 weeks so I was really hoping that we would be able to see a heartbeat.

She used the abdominal ultrasound and we saw the gestational sac immediately...and then, the flicker of a heartbeat! It was such a great feeling. Even though the portable machine was old and fuzzy, I could see the heartbeat clear and strong. She took a few measurements and kind of laughed and pointed to the screen. Baby was measuring 7 weeks 0 days. She said "look, you were right on!" Another reason I am so thankful I chart! If I was going by my last period (which is how doctors calculate your due date) I would have been 8 weeks and 1 day and I would probably have anxiety about baby measuring "small." But since I know exactly when I ovulated, I can be confident that baby is actually right on track.

I had an exam and we talked for a while about a few questions I had. I had my blood drawn (5 vials!) and scheduled an appointment for August 6th (my birthday!). I am having a "real" ultrasound at my next appointment with a meeting with a midwife after. I'll be 9 weeks and 5 days.

I feel so much better after this appointment. Even though my fear is not completely gone, it is very much alleviated. Still hoping and praying for a healthy pregnancy!

Saturday, July 14, 2012

First Family Vacation and Our One Year Anniversary

This has been a busy, busy week! Last Sunday was our one year wedding anniversary. We didn't do much except pack because we were getting ready to go on vacation the next day. My sister-in-law was leaving for camp the same day we were leaving and since she was going to be gone for her birthday we all went out to Logan's to celebrate.

After putting Rudy to bed we were super excited to cut into our wedding cake...and let's just say it's really not how we remembered it! We had a raspberry filling in the middle and I think it seeped through the rest of the cake and made it bitter. Needless to say we took a few bites just for a nod to tradition and threw the rest out.

The next morning we left for our very first family vacation. Aside from a few mishaps we had a great time. The first night we were there a drunk guy stole a golf cart in a parking garage and put a huge dent in the back of my car. Luckily Josh was able to get underneath and pop it out so just the paint looks a little worn. My car has almost 140,000 miles on it and has lots of little dings, pings and scratches. It could have been so much worse and I'm seriously not worried about it!

Getting ready to play his first round of golf.

It really is beautiful there!

The trip was exhausting with a 3 year old but we really had so much fun. Josh was a little disappointed because the mountains have lost their charm. It's definitely tourist-y there and a HUGE money suck. But the mountains themselves are still beautiful, so i'm sure we will go back at some point!

In the way of pregnancy updates things are going pretty well. I still have quite a bit of nausea and food aversions. I've always loved salads and vegetables and foods like that but now they just taste so terrible to me. I find it helps in the morning if I just hang out in the bed for a little while before getting up.

I am 6 weeks 3 days today and my first appointment is this coming Wednesday. So far things are great and i'm hoping they stay this way! 

Saturday, July 7, 2012

5 weeks 3 days!

Today I am pregnant and I love my baby. Deep breath. I am trying to stay extremely positive!

 I found out on June 25th, just 12 days after ovulation that I was pregnant! I was planning on waiting until my missed period to test, but just for the heck of it I woke up one more and decided to test. I completely expected a negative result. Instead, a second line popped up within seconds! I was shocked! I had planned on telling Josh some cute, creative kind of way. I guess I just wasn't thinking clearly because I took a picture on my phone and sent it to him. He was absolutely ecstatic. I was more apprehensive, especially since I was only 3 weeks 5 days at the time. And that is super, super early.

Now it is almost 2 weeks later and things are going great. This pregnancy is a lot different than my last, and for that I am thankful. Last pregnancy I had zero morning sickness, minor symptoms, bleeding and a nagging feeling that I wasn't bringing this baby home. This pregnancy is exactly the opposite. I've been having tummy troubles, extremely sore, heavy boobs and I've been breaking out like a 15 year old boy!

And oh the morning sickness. Already! I started feeling nauseous about 4 days ago. I had official vomiting this morning after eating an apple. Nothing sounds edible to me. I usually love vegetables but the thought of anything green makes me gag. I tried to eat a piece of broccoli the other day and it was the most disgusting thing ever. Also, the "y" word (yogurt) is a cuss word in this house right now. Today I've had have a sleeve of crackers. Even water sounds extremely gross right now. Even though the nausea really sucks (for lack of a better word!) I am thankful for it. Especially since it's so early, the nausea means my hCG is nice and high, which means baby is growing and my pregnancy is strong and healthy. After having no nausea and then a miscarriage, I'll take being sick if it means I get a take home baby!

Speaking of miscarriage, I'm staying positive this pregnancy. I still worry about miscarriage, but I can honestly say it is not my foremost thought. I am hoping, praying, and believing that this is my take home baby. I am taking each day as it comes, and I admit that I check the toilet paper every.single.time for the tiniest speck of blood, but I don't live my day in fear that i'll face the emotional and physical pain of a miscarriage again.