Thursday, July 26, 2012

Loss Milestone

Today I am 8 weeks 1 day pregnant. Tomorrow is the day in my last pregnancy that my miscarriage was confirmed. This Saturday I will officially be more pregnant than I have ever been. It is a very bittersweet feeling.

I've been enjoying this pregnancy (as much as you can enjoy nausea and breakouts) but I've found myself thinking about the baby that I lost a lot more. I think it has to do with my estimated due date approaching. Even though I am pregnant now, I feel a twinge of pain whenever I see a woman with a huge 9 month belly, because that's what my belly is supposed to look like right now. I'm supposed to be getting a nursery ready, washing baby clothes in Dreft, dealing with the summer heat.

I don't suppose I'll ever "get over" the pregnancy that I lost. As early as two days after my miscarriage was confirmed I had people telling me to "cheer up" and "move on." At that point I was still in PHYSICAL pain. Contraction like cramps, blood, blood and more blood, back pain; it was all extremely painful. I had barely begun to deal with the emotional side of losing my baby and I was being told to "cheer up." Needless to say that spun me into a lonely, silent depression where I felt like I couldn't turn to anyone about my pain. Over time I have learned how to manage it, accept it, and even amazingly, be somewhat thankful for it. But no, I will never forget, get over, or move on from the baby that I lost.

My first pregnancy was a surprise and I was overwhelmed in the beginning. I felt unprepared and apprehensive. But even though it was unplanned, it was very much wanted. I formed a connection with this tiny baby I had never met and treated my body very well to nourish the tiny soul I was growing. When I saw the flicker of the heartbeat on the ultrasound screen I fell in love. The pain following my miscarriage was real and raw. I lost a child. Not an embryo, a fetus, or an idea... but a child.

Seven months out from my miscarriage I can look back and see the silver lining. Most importantly, if not for the baby I lost, I would not be carrying the child I have now. I have developed an understanding for the hurt of other people going through similar situations. I can sympathize with other mothers that have experienced the same thing. Also, as trite as this sounds, this baby will arrive at a better "time" than my first would have. We will hopefully be homeowners before this baby arrives. I have a better job with better (part-time) hours. I will be closer to finishing school.

Those are all positive things, and I am so thankful for them. However, I don't think I will ever be able to forget that I was going to share a birthday month, week or even day with my child. I was going to have a summer baby. Rudy and my first biological baby were going to be just barely 3 years apart instead of almost 4. I was going to have a newborn in August instead of rounding out the first trimester.

I will always remember the first baby we lost, and I believe my first baby gave me the greatest gift--their brother or sister that will be arriving this March. For that, I will always, always be thankful.

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